18 months....a little game of who's who.

winter musings, 8 days past imbolc

i'm all cracked lips, dry scalp and unshaven legs. i simply don't have any time for myself, and you can see it easily at first glance of this picture my mom took during last week's imbolc snow shoeing trip at Quarry Hill. and yet, this nursing, teething toddler and my precocious four year old are my greatest gifts in life, no doubt. right now, getting these two bundled up and outside seems to be my biggest mission, and it's one i am challenged with daily. i love winter, i really do. but i can barely stand the forcing of mittens on little hands, and that says nothing for getting them to stay on once we're out. the temptation to touch that beautiful, white, sparkly, fluffy stuff with one's bare fingers is just too much, for esther, especially. so that, even though she jumps up and down at the prospect of going out, after 10 minutes, her little fingers are so cold that she's begging to go back inside. thelma, on the other hand, could stay out for hours. but it's not the active adventure she's after. she loves to sit and dig in, build with, shovel, and roll around in the snow. when i do talk her into a winter hike, i feel i've hardly gotten started before she's complaining about how much her legs hurt. i can usually keep her moving for a bit, but i try not to push her past her limit, as i know this will surely turn my beloved walks in the woods into a chore for her.

the thought has crossed my mind, i tell you, that it would be quite wonderful to have a mother's helper in my home a couple of hours each day. to give me the time to walk through the woods in silence, or maybe even pluck my eye brows. (and of course there's that Y membership that's sitting dormant.) but, who am i kidding? there is not a line in the budget for a mother's helper, and i doubt my dear husband would be supportive of such an expenditure if there was. i guess we'll just carry on with things, the bundling, the whining at the bundling, and the glorious exclamations and marveling at such a simply exquisite white world that make it all worth it.

a fresh start.

i have been in need of this for quite some time now. this blog was created more than two years ago, and i am just now adding the first post?! i opened the account with the idea in mind that i could journal the progress of my mothering adventure and then share it with my girls someday...(hence, mamallisa.) very dooce of me, i know, and inspired by her in fact.

so, today, i was checking out the blogs of you, my dear friends, and i just happened to notice that my inactivity caused me to get the boot off of anne's chit chat. a mild panic attack ensued and now, here i am. i've been a terrible blogger friend. and i think i'm afraid that this says something about the kind of friend, mother, wife and daughter i've been in real life, lately, too. i don't feel that i've been present to you all, and for that, i owe a sincere apology. to you, and to myself... (because clearly, i've been the one truly missing out!)

i have this little problem, you see. i've always been an all or nothing sort of gal. so, if i don't have the time, energy, patience, etc. to give something my 100% attention, then i sort of flake out on it. seems to me i have an intense fear of failure, and i haven't figured out how to accept "good enough" from myself. have i told you this before? probably. it continues to be my greatest flaw. gosh...this is really turning into a bummer of a fresh start.

my next greatest flaw is using more words than are necessary to get my point across. so, please excuse my rant. what i'm getting at is that you.....(and if you're reading this, that means YOU!) are so very important to me. and i just wanted you to know.